Everyone talks about how to be successful through hard work and effort. Forget that! I’m going to take a different approach. I’m going to show you how to lose all your hard-earned money and fake your own death (I mean destiny), and be successful at it.
Step 1: Be a Sissy-
Being a sissy has nothing to do with physical strength and everything to do with mental strength. I know you want to be successful but you’re too afraid to make a commitment to your dream. You’re scared to take chances. You’re scared to make choices. You want everything to be perfect before you can “take a risk”. Yeah, right! That day will come when Hell and my mother’s famous spicy hot Sancocho soup freezes (author’s note: my money is on Hell freezing over first). Nonetheless, don’t do anything until one of the following has occurred: All the stars in the constellation have aligned themselves perfectly, you’ve spotted a once extinct Dodo bird, or someone absolutely guarantees you that you will not fail. Until one of these things are in place, don’t do anything…be a sissy.
Step 2: Listen to Stupid People-
Oh, this is one of my favorites. There are two types of people out there: successful and happy. By successful, I mean someone who has a career and is financially secure. By happy I mean someone who has found their “happy place” and enjoys where they’re at in life. The latter has less do with money, and more do to with lifestyle. Knowing this, here’s the key: never, I mean NEVER listen to successful or happy people. They’ll just make you nauseous with their ideas and strategies for getting what you want out of life. Instead, listen to friends and family members who are either broke or unhappy. That way if you fail, and chances are that you will, you’ll at a minimum have them for company. And we know that misery loves company. Also if you fail using their advice, you can always blame it on them (See Rule 9 for more details).
Step 3: Wait for Divine Intervention-
Yes, another strategy on how to lose your money and fake destiny is to simply wait for the ‘invisible hand’ of fate to pass over you and bless you with immense abundance. Yes, go ahead pray and ask God (whoever and whatever that is to you) to rain down upon you all that you deserve. Sit back, do nothing, and wait for something to great to happen. Yes, your needs far outweigh those of people in other countries who are dying from HIV, hunger, violence, etc. Don’t feel guilty. Make your demand on God and if you’re so inclined, you might want to give Him a deadline because you’re in a hurry. But remember, don’t lift a finger to help yourself, you might offend Him by being so impatient.
Step 4: Develop a Need to Mimic-
Desmond Morris wrote a fantastic book called “The Human Ape”. If you haven’t read it, you are depriving yourself of primitive experience and pleasure. Morris talks about the need for humans to mimic in order to feel accepted or more worthy. So, what I want you to do in order for you to lose your money and fake your destiny is to look around you and buy whatever your friends or colleagues are buying. But the extravagant cars, the luxurious museum (I mean house), take all the trips you want to exotic places. What about money? Who cares! The point here is that you want to mimic or copy what everyone else is doing. Money and debt are nuisances you shouldn’t have to worry about. What about credit card companies? So what you owe them money, they’re crooks who already have too much money; they don’t need yours.
Step 5: Take advantage of People-
Here’s a great tip. Forget about being considerate and to hell with the “golden rule”. If you can use somebody, do it. I or you can take advantage of a situation, do it. Consequences?! Bah! Why to bother with such silly notions; they’re so inconvenient. For all you care, you’ll probably never have to deal with them again. And if it’s in a work environment, all the better, screw them any way you can. They probably deserve it for being so dang naïve. The basic premise is this, the next time you in a position to really abuse another fellow human being, don’t think twice, just do it!
Step 6: Invent Your Own Reality-
Ooh, I like this one. To hell with reality, create your own. When someone says, “You’re not being realistic”, ignore them they’re an idiot. When someone tries to warn you that your overspending and your debts are mounting, just go out and shop some more…you’ll feel better. Remember also that money is the root of all evil and no one should have to really save or keep any around for a rainy day. And, even when everyone is telling you you’re wrong, ignore them because they ALL can’t be right! And more than likely, they simply don’t have the same bright, pink outlook on life you have. Dismiss those fools.
Step 7: Never Keep a Commitment Again-
The next time you make a promise, just remember that it really isn’t a commitment. A promise is an agreement to do something but you reserve the right to change your mind without notifying the other party (aka The When it’s Convenient Rule). And yes, it’s OK to over-promise and under-deliver. The Convenient Rule still applies. When you tell someone you’d show up to a meeting or an engagement, remember that it’s OK to change your mind, again, without the need to notify the other party. Commitments are so restrictive that you should allow yourself the flexibility to abide by or ignore them whenever you feel like it. What if others complain? They’re just being insensitive to your ‘spontaneity’ and free spirit….envious bastards.
Step 8: Blame it on the ISM-
The next time things don’t go your way or you missed out on some promotion or raise, blame it on an “ISM”. There are plenty to choose from. RacISM, SexISM, AgeISM, etc. Remember it’s never your responsibility to create wealth and opportunity. Someone should always look our for you because you’ve been handicapped (i.e., with an ISM) by the unfairness of society. Someone should also make amends and remunerations for your inconvenience should be made to you. Don’t forget to always complain about how “the man” won’t let you succeed. And always blame your failing on some corporate guy with a nice suit and tie. They’re always guilty of something. They’re all liars and cheats waiting to be exposed.
Step 9: It’s Never Your Problem-
No matter how bad you perform or don’t perform at all, it isn’t your fault (Corollary to Rule 8). It’s never your problem. It’s always someone else’s deal. And if you can’t find a warm body to blame it on, use someone who’s dead. Dead people are useful for blaming things on because they can’t dismiss the accusation and you feel better since it isn’t your fault. If you can’t find any dead people to blame it on, use the ultimate trump card, the Universe (or Cosmos). Either one is good enough when it comes to blaming. Just blame your misfortune on some ‘weird existential vibe’ thing that can’t be defined. And if someone doesn’t believe you they’re just being insensitive and ignorant of existence on a ‘much higher level’ where you can’t be held responsible.
Follow these nine rules and I guarantee you that you will lose your money and fake your destiny with GREAT SUCCESS.